ChelleZRecoveryProject

1/365  5/25/2019

Birds are made of air

My life feels heavier than stone

Steps toward more recovery

Difficult times in my life lately, so I want to make changes to feel better - physically, mentally, spiritually. This is the first step on my journey.  

A friend's photos

Spent some time with Vikki yesterday and she showed me some of her photos. So beautiful and inspiring. I need to break out of the fearful shell holding me back from moving forward. What is it? Why has this been happening? Everyone tells me I have talent in many areas and I hesitate to cross lines I've drawn in the sand, to believe that God has so much in store for me. I keep telling myself to be consistent with this blog & then I let other things get in the way.

Good Heavens Michelle...get out of your own way! Believe what God tells you...

Patience Rewarded...

I finally heard from my brother, who told me he was wrong to judge me on the actions of others. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Everyone told me to be patient and give him time and  when I let it go emotionally something good happened. The joy I feel in my heart at his email is immense.

Now, I have so much to do today, so I'm going to get to it - writing Helium articles, doing some Avon, maybe seeing if I can write another poem (?)... OH yes, and get my 3 job apps in...Thank you God for the job you have for me - the perfect job, the one You are guiding me to.

Off to work...yes...

Sadness in silence

There's not one moment
of each day
that I don't regret
my thoughtless words
hurting him

I am the one suffering
in daily hell
from his silence
Even angry words 
hurt less

It is a moonless forest

Letting go
Letting go
Teaching my heart
towards acceptance

Okay look...

The crisis of last week is over. I've posted my 1st Avon order, although I think I over-ordered. Went out yesterday and came home in so much pain.

Plan for today - after writing this:
1. work on watercolors
2. go to Avon site and do more training [e-rep]
3. write something for next week's critic ;-) group...
4. RELAX!
5. Enjoy the silence from upstairs - YES...
6. Post more photos on other blog

Necessity for action...

Beautiful Koi

Sometimes I feel like a tightly coiled chayote vine, squiggled around itself again and again. In less than a week, I will be 63 years young/old...whatever. What progress have I made? Some in my eating, well actually quite a bit. I'm learning not to do such large quantities of either mealtime or emotional eating. Yes, my situation is challenging right now. Looking into some ideas where I can do to be in business for myself and keep me busy, maybe away from the computer more (HA!) Do I want to continue writing? Well, I guess, but I've lost the impetus for right now, maybe from being sick. I'll pick it up again, but I want to be sure I'm ready to write the articles I choose, since I've been choosing articles then not having the energy to write them. Also want (once more) to investigate other sites where I can write/submit articles to get paid. 


WOW...talking to Mina today helped me. I tried not to stay so much into myself, but focus on her. Mina and her family have gone through an incredibly challenging time - Mina nearly dying, Ginny being sick, Mina's dog and cat dying...I'm sure it's been a financially challenging time as well. Glad I finally made the effort to call her. 


A couple things more I want to do, then get out of here to walk - to CVS, maybe to UPS, if it's open (or do that Monday), plus Monday go to DMV and retake the test. I've been avoiding that for some reason. DUH!

Waiting for...

A time when I will not have to worry about the complications of this life.

Feeling so tired lately - no not physically, but just of life's struggle. Yesterday being Memorial Day, I thought not only of so many who served this country and died for it, but also of those in my life who have passed on. And I think, I feel like an alien here on earth; I'm not home - for a Christian, the last thought is true. My real home is in heaven. I miss these people, too many to mention

One of yesterday's Bible meditations was from Rev. 7: 14 and 17. For those who don't believe, pass this on by. But this is my firm belief and that for which I long. No more pain, no sadness, no trials, none of what I experience here on earth. No, I'm not going to do anything drastic, just thinking of what is waiting for me in the rooms Jesus promised before the Crucifixion.



14 There are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.
17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their Shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Didn't want to post this on fb. It's too intensely personal. Just needed to get these feelings out. I'm ok, just so tired. Remembering Richie DeLuca and how he gave up and died. So many years ago. I loved him. How many have passed out of my life who I loved? Too many. Feel so alone on this planet. I keep wondering what would happen to Sasha if I was gone. Would she miss her human? Would any other human miss me? Sometimes I think I know the answer to that question, but then I think I don't.

I know why I'm feeling this way - the job/money situation. Self-esteem is at ground ZERO. Then the article I wrote yesterday didn't get bought, but transitioned to peanuts pay. Maybe I should call Maryann, then go on and do other things. Or call Mary T. Dunno, feel a bit paralyzed emotionally today. Would like to make an appointment with either Yvonne or the pdoc, but without the money too pay them...HOW?

Thinking about cancelling the appointment to renew my license, but I  just have to do this thing. It might lead to other good things...dunno... Feeling so empty, yet a whirlwind maelstrom of emotions. Which one is the truth?

Please God, at least take away this pain of living that I feel.