Okay look...

The crisis of last week is over. I've posted my 1st Avon order, although I think I over-ordered. Went out yesterday and came home in so much pain.

Plan for today - after writing this:
1. work on watercolors
2. go to Avon site and do more training [e-rep]
3. write something for next week's critic ;-) group...
4. RELAX!
5. Enjoy the silence from upstairs - YES...
6. Post more photos on other blog

Necessity for action...

Beautiful Koi

Sometimes I feel like a tightly coiled chayote vine, squiggled around itself again and again. In less than a week, I will be 63 years young/old...whatever. What progress have I made? Some in my eating, well actually quite a bit. I'm learning not to do such large quantities of either mealtime or emotional eating. Yes, my situation is challenging right now. Looking into some ideas where I can do to be in business for myself and keep me busy, maybe away from the computer more (HA!) Do I want to continue writing? Well, I guess, but I've lost the impetus for right now, maybe from being sick. I'll pick it up again, but I want to be sure I'm ready to write the articles I choose, since I've been choosing articles then not having the energy to write them. Also want (once more) to investigate other sites where I can write/submit articles to get paid. 


WOW...talking to Mina today helped me. I tried not to stay so much into myself, but focus on her. Mina and her family have gone through an incredibly challenging time - Mina nearly dying, Ginny being sick, Mina's dog and cat dying...I'm sure it's been a financially challenging time as well. Glad I finally made the effort to call her. 


A couple things more I want to do, then get out of here to walk - to CVS, maybe to UPS, if it's open (or do that Monday), plus Monday go to DMV and retake the test. I've been avoiding that for some reason. DUH!

Waiting for...

A time when I will not have to worry about the complications of this life.

Feeling so tired lately - no not physically, but just of life's struggle. Yesterday being Memorial Day, I thought not only of so many who served this country and died for it, but also of those in my life who have passed on. And I think, I feel like an alien here on earth; I'm not home - for a Christian, the last thought is true. My real home is in heaven. I miss these people, too many to mention

One of yesterday's Bible meditations was from Rev. 7: 14 and 17. For those who don't believe, pass this on by. But this is my firm belief and that for which I long. No more pain, no sadness, no trials, none of what I experience here on earth. No, I'm not going to do anything drastic, just thinking of what is waiting for me in the rooms Jesus promised before the Crucifixion.



14 There are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.
17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their Shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Didn't want to post this on fb. It's too intensely personal. Just needed to get these feelings out. I'm ok, just so tired. Remembering Richie DeLuca and how he gave up and died. So many years ago. I loved him. How many have passed out of my life who I loved? Too many. Feel so alone on this planet. I keep wondering what would happen to Sasha if I was gone. Would she miss her human? Would any other human miss me? Sometimes I think I know the answer to that question, but then I think I don't.

I know why I'm feeling this way - the job/money situation. Self-esteem is at ground ZERO. Then the article I wrote yesterday didn't get bought, but transitioned to peanuts pay. Maybe I should call Maryann, then go on and do other things. Or call Mary T. Dunno, feel a bit paralyzed emotionally today. Would like to make an appointment with either Yvonne or the pdoc, but without the money too pay them...HOW?

Thinking about cancelling the appointment to renew my license, but I  just have to do this thing. It might lead to other good things...dunno... Feeling so empty, yet a whirlwind maelstrom of emotions. Which one is the truth?

Please God, at least take away this pain of living that I feel.

Positive thought Wednesday...

"It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean."   ~Anthony Robbins~

YES! YES! YES! I think my unemployment is ending soon. I am not sure if I'm eligible for another extension, but I will apply anyway. I think I'm FINALLY ready to get in the groove and look for work. Time to send in my resume to the jobs I find online and leave the results to God - social anxiety or not. Don't know what I want to do, but I'm saved some jobs and now it's time to take action. I have accepted that moving right now is not an option and that I have to return to work, to a job of some kind. Okay, I'm there.

Joined a site where I'll be working on some physical goals for myself. Now I need to complete the process, plus complete the profile on the site for clinical trials. Don't know what will happen with the last, if I'll be eligible for any of the trials, but again - GOD is in control. Is it time to take the leap and get off unemployment, to work more on writing? Or, are those my thoughts? Dunno...

Ok, I have about 45 minutes to get out of here to go to the doctor. I want to get down a rough draft of a poem.

One more once...

I did it - I started writing an article too late to submit it, plus being unable to write another. Not sure what's going on, but I was doing very well for awhile. I can't let this either slow or get me down, since  I can get there quite easily. Been struggling with it, huh? My eating proves that.

Today I received the cutest card from a 4-month old (okay, his mother) in Finland. I liked receiving this postcard. There are beautiful purple flowers on the front of it.

When I return from Albertson's - yes! this time I have the gift card in my wallet! I will work on writing some springtime poems for SGVPQ Springtime edition and for the other post x'ing cards I need to send out.

Emailed Organic Liaison that I would come to the workout tomorrow night. Yes, I will do my best to make it. I need to exercise and it will probably be better if it's with a group. Exercising on my own stops shortly after it starts. Although, I'm glad not to be going to a gym, I miss it somewhat. Well, now the Bally's I went to isn't that anymore, but something else.

Tonight I have to make a list of things to talk to Dr Lyons about. It's the only way I can remember all of them and get any good out of the visit.

Okay, one more thing to do before I go - fix the bed and maybe take the plastic off the box  spring after first checking it for bugs. If I take the plastic off, maybe it will help the bed from sliding so much.

Onwards and upwards...then outwards...  I think I'd like to be a hummingbird... ;-) or any kind of bird sometimes...  

It's a "It Figures" day...

Monday's engine is so difficult to get started. I feel locked in a downward spiral and just don't know how to get going - to accomplish anything or figure out what kind of work to do. Of course, the one job that answers me on CL is a scam. It Figures. I don't like to post for work on there, since I only get scams. I wonder if anyone gets straight answers on that site.

Dang! I'm just in a rotten mood tonight. Well, off to make some dinner - don't have much. I would have had more, but when I left to go to Albertson's, I forgot the gift card. It Figures...

Well, I don't want to post too much that's negative or depressing, so I'm going to make some dinner and watch the end of House.

T.G.I.F. or so it appears...

Woke up late today, since I rebelled and stayed up until 3 am. But, for some reason, I feel energized. I have plenty of time to work on 5 articles, so I'm going to use today to get ahead on them, then - and only then - can I pick up more articles to write. Did my research on the 5 articles last night, so I'm a little bit ahead of the game. And after yesterday's bodily abuse - eating like a slob! - I want to be gentle with myself today, so I'll think of myself as a beautiful, fragile, God-created flower.

I received a nice compliment on one of my articles - the one I wrote about Bonsai. It was a fun and interesting article to write, plus learning something about a beautiful garden art.

Rule #1 - BE GENTLE WITH MYSELF ALWAYS.

Even though confusion about all that's broken in my life still reigns supreme, I started praying earnestly about it last night as I tried to fall asleep. Maybe that's the key - it's not so much definitive words I use, or specific needs I pray for, but the honesty from my heart and soul that I pour out to God. Ya think?

Not necessarily in the following order:

In the next week, I must study and know the information in the DMV booklet, plus raise the money before 6/4 to get a great haircut - at Faroh's - who is the only hairdresser to cut my hair exactly as I like it. I think this will go a long way towards helping me to feel better.

Next, I have to break through my social anxiety - even in small ways - to attend some kind of event. Tonight, will see how I feel about going to see Lisa Marie perform in Pasadena. Yeah, it's scary to go out at night...not because of danger, just my own feeling about leaving my apartment. VULNERABILITY!  Saturday, I want to go to the haiku workshop at Pacific Asia Museum, it's earlier than Catalina (plus I won't run into 2 people who dislike me - Lynne and Leah - just don't need that NEGATIVITY, even though I won't hear Jack), plus closer to transportation back home, so I can get to bed early and get up for church (I REALLY WANT TO GO!) on Sunday.

To be continued...