Self-Destruction...

I'm not sure why I do things like I did last night - I mean, 4 boxes of candy? None of them tasted good, honestly. My brain appears to be in my stomach and it just forgets that I'm worth more than the things I do to myself. I can be so creative, then forget to be creative with myself. WHY? What will it take before I finally come to the complete bottom where I start crawling my way back up through the wreckage of my life...right this minute I don't know. I can look in the mirror and tell myself I'm pretty and I love myself, but with the things I do, it's a lie.

Okay, I can start today even though I slept late. {Poor Sasha, it took her about 3 hours to get her human out of bed. Poor kitty had a tummy upset.} Yes, I can start with a few minutes of exercise after I get off the computer, then get dressed to go to Trader Joe's and Bed, Bath, & Beyond. BUT...before that I must find the EDD approval form, so I can send in my Unemployment deferrment for my school loan. Okay...feeling more than a bit of anxiety because I'm de-railing myself.

Feeling like this dead leaf and I want to fell like the green grass...yeah... Too much in my mind right now. Need to SIMPLIFY! SIMPLIFY!

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Okay, this new blogger thing is really ugly and boring! Thankfully,
my pages are still the same. Just feeling lazy today. I did get to church,
but now feel like just chilling out. So I will. Tomorrow I do some work.
I dislike this new look. Why change what worked before? DUH!

Baby steps...

Since I've posted in this very short start to a personal blog. Changes have occurred in the last year - I'm no longer working and haven't for over a year. Not sure how much I miss tutoring and keep thinking that I made a big mistake to retire from substitute teaching instead of letting go of tutoring. That's all in the past now, so there's not much use thinking back on it, wishing it were different. I've just let go of so much anger, especially towards myself, yet the issue of my weight still hounds me. When I heard Aurora talk about their vacation, of course, I found myself wanting to go on one also. That's what happens whenever someone talks about something they do, did, or possibly will do. No, it's not that something similar wasn't already in my mind. I just bury these things, because the fear of actually working to accomplish them keeps me in a comfortable rut. 


One goal I've wanted to accomplish this year to renew my driver's license. I've said I'd only renew my CA ID because I don't want to drive. But that's not the truth. I'm just afraid to drive. I'm also feeling trapped by my inability to drive from not having a license. So many goals in my head and it's like a whirlwind. If I don't take baby steps and work on one goal at a time, I'll become frustrated and stop working on them altogether, since that's my m.o. 


Sometimes I wonder about my worth. Isn't this holding me back also? So, I need to let my mind go free and start believing in myself. I've already done some work in that direction. Okay, so I'm having trouble with social anxiety. I'll work on it with Dr. Turk or Yvonne. One thing I can't do is give up on myself - that's just too easy.
Besides working on renewing my license, I want to commit myself to blogging on a regular basis. This practice is for me - no one else. Chart my progress and my steps backward. Allow myself to see my progress, as there will be progress. I have learned through the years to move forward, if not in my actions, then in my thinking. 


This blog is for myself...no one else. but if it helps anyone else, then fine...