Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Waiting for...

A time when I will not have to worry about the complications of this life.

Feeling so tired lately - no not physically, but just of life's struggle. Yesterday being Memorial Day, I thought not only of so many who served this country and died for it, but also of those in my life who have passed on. And I think, I feel like an alien here on earth; I'm not home - for a Christian, the last thought is true. My real home is in heaven. I miss these people, too many to mention

One of yesterday's Bible meditations was from Rev. 7: 14 and 17. For those who don't believe, pass this on by. But this is my firm belief and that for which I long. No more pain, no sadness, no trials, none of what I experience here on earth. No, I'm not going to do anything drastic, just thinking of what is waiting for me in the rooms Jesus promised before the Crucifixion.

14 There are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.
17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their Shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Didn't want to post this on fb. It's too intensely personal. Just needed to get these feelings out. I'm ok, just so tired. Remembering Richie DeLuca and how he gave up and died. So many years ago. I loved him. How many have passed out of my life who I loved? Too many. Feel so alone on this planet. I keep wondering what would happen to Sasha if I was gone. Would she miss her human? Would any other human miss me? Sometimes I think I know the answer to that question, but then I think I don't.

I know why I'm feeling this way - the job/money situation. Self-esteem is at ground ZERO. Then the article I wrote yesterday didn't get bought, but transitioned to peanuts pay. Maybe I should call Maryann, then go on and do other things. Or call Mary T. Dunno, feel a bit paralyzed emotionally today. Would like to make an appointment with either Yvonne or the pdoc, but without the money too pay them...HOW?

Thinking about cancelling the appointment to renew my license, but I  just have to do this thing. It might lead to other good things...dunno... Feeling so empty, yet a whirlwind maelstrom of emotions. Which one is the truth?

Please God, at least take away this pain of living that I feel.

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