A friend's photos

Spent some time with Vikki yesterday and she showed me some of her photos. So beautiful and inspiring. I need to break out of the fearful shell holding me back from moving forward. What is it? Why has this been happening? Everyone tells me I have talent in many areas and I hesitate to cross lines I've drawn in the sand, to believe that God has so much in store for me. I keep telling myself to be consistent with this blog & then I let other things get in the way.

Good Heavens Michelle...get out of your own way! Believe what God tells you...

Patience Rewarded...

I finally heard from my brother, who told me he was wrong to judge me on the actions of others. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Everyone told me to be patient and give him time and  when I let it go emotionally something good happened. The joy I feel in my heart at his email is immense.

Now, I have so much to do today, so I'm going to get to it - writing Helium articles, doing some Avon, maybe seeing if I can write another poem (?)... OH yes, and get my 3 job apps in...Thank you God for the job you have for me - the perfect job, the one You are guiding me to.

Off to work...yes...

Sadness in silence

There's not one moment
of each day
that I don't regret
my thoughtless words
hurting him

I am the one suffering
in daily hell
from his silence
Even angry words 
hurt less

It is a moonless forest

Letting go
Letting go
Teaching my heart
towards acceptance

Okay look...

The crisis of last week is over. I've posted my 1st Avon order, although I think I over-ordered. Went out yesterday and came home in so much pain.

Plan for today - after writing this:
1. work on watercolors
2. go to Avon site and do more training [e-rep]
3. write something for next week's critic ;-) group...
4. RELAX!
5. Enjoy the silence from upstairs - YES...
6. Post more photos on other blog

Necessity for action...

Beautiful Koi

Sometimes I feel like a tightly coiled chayote vine, squiggled around itself again and again. In less than a week, I will be 63 years young/old...whatever. What progress have I made? Some in my eating, well actually quite a bit. I'm learning not to do such large quantities of either mealtime or emotional eating. Yes, my situation is challenging right now. Looking into some ideas where I can do to be in business for myself and keep me busy, maybe away from the computer more (HA!) Do I want to continue writing? Well, I guess, but I've lost the impetus for right now, maybe from being sick. I'll pick it up again, but I want to be sure I'm ready to write the articles I choose, since I've been choosing articles then not having the energy to write them. Also want (once more) to investigate other sites where I can write/submit articles to get paid. 


WOW...talking to Mina today helped me. I tried not to stay so much into myself, but focus on her. Mina and her family have gone through an incredibly challenging time - Mina nearly dying, Ginny being sick, Mina's dog and cat dying...I'm sure it's been a financially challenging time as well. Glad I finally made the effort to call her. 


A couple things more I want to do, then get out of here to walk - to CVS, maybe to UPS, if it's open (or do that Monday), plus Monday go to DMV and retake the test. I've been avoiding that for some reason. DUH!

Waiting for...

A time when I will not have to worry about the complications of this life.

Feeling so tired lately - no not physically, but just of life's struggle. Yesterday being Memorial Day, I thought not only of so many who served this country and died for it, but also of those in my life who have passed on. And I think, I feel like an alien here on earth; I'm not home - for a Christian, the last thought is true. My real home is in heaven. I miss these people, too many to mention

One of yesterday's Bible meditations was from Rev. 7: 14 and 17. For those who don't believe, pass this on by. But this is my firm belief and that for which I long. No more pain, no sadness, no trials, none of what I experience here on earth. No, I'm not going to do anything drastic, just thinking of what is waiting for me in the rooms Jesus promised before the Crucifixion.



14 There are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.
17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their Shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Didn't want to post this on fb. It's too intensely personal. Just needed to get these feelings out. I'm ok, just so tired. Remembering Richie DeLuca and how he gave up and died. So many years ago. I loved him. How many have passed out of my life who I loved? Too many. Feel so alone on this planet. I keep wondering what would happen to Sasha if I was gone. Would she miss her human? Would any other human miss me? Sometimes I think I know the answer to that question, but then I think I don't.

I know why I'm feeling this way - the job/money situation. Self-esteem is at ground ZERO. Then the article I wrote yesterday didn't get bought, but transitioned to peanuts pay. Maybe I should call Maryann, then go on and do other things. Or call Mary T. Dunno, feel a bit paralyzed emotionally today. Would like to make an appointment with either Yvonne or the pdoc, but without the money too pay them...HOW?

Thinking about cancelling the appointment to renew my license, but I  just have to do this thing. It might lead to other good things...dunno... Feeling so empty, yet a whirlwind maelstrom of emotions. Which one is the truth?

Please God, at least take away this pain of living that I feel.

Positive thought Wednesday...

"It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean."   ~Anthony Robbins~

YES! YES! YES! I think my unemployment is ending soon. I am not sure if I'm eligible for another extension, but I will apply anyway. I think I'm FINALLY ready to get in the groove and look for work. Time to send in my resume to the jobs I find online and leave the results to God - social anxiety or not. Don't know what I want to do, but I'm saved some jobs and now it's time to take action. I have accepted that moving right now is not an option and that I have to return to work, to a job of some kind. Okay, I'm there.

Joined a site where I'll be working on some physical goals for myself. Now I need to complete the process, plus complete the profile on the site for clinical trials. Don't know what will happen with the last, if I'll be eligible for any of the trials, but again - GOD is in control. Is it time to take the leap and get off unemployment, to work more on writing? Or, are those my thoughts? Dunno...

Ok, I have about 45 minutes to get out of here to go to the doctor. I want to get down a rough draft of a poem.

One more once...

I did it - I started writing an article too late to submit it, plus being unable to write another. Not sure what's going on, but I was doing very well for awhile. I can't let this either slow or get me down, since  I can get there quite easily. Been struggling with it, huh? My eating proves that.

Today I received the cutest card from a 4-month old (okay, his mother) in Finland. I liked receiving this postcard. There are beautiful purple flowers on the front of it.

When I return from Albertson's - yes! this time I have the gift card in my wallet! I will work on writing some springtime poems for SGVPQ Springtime edition and for the other post x'ing cards I need to send out.

Emailed Organic Liaison that I would come to the workout tomorrow night. Yes, I will do my best to make it. I need to exercise and it will probably be better if it's with a group. Exercising on my own stops shortly after it starts. Although, I'm glad not to be going to a gym, I miss it somewhat. Well, now the Bally's I went to isn't that anymore, but something else.

Tonight I have to make a list of things to talk to Dr Lyons about. It's the only way I can remember all of them and get any good out of the visit.

Okay, one more thing to do before I go - fix the bed and maybe take the plastic off the box  spring after first checking it for bugs. If I take the plastic off, maybe it will help the bed from sliding so much.

Onwards and upwards...then outwards...  I think I'd like to be a hummingbird... ;-) or any kind of bird sometimes...  

It's a "It Figures" day...

Monday's engine is so difficult to get started. I feel locked in a downward spiral and just don't know how to get going - to accomplish anything or figure out what kind of work to do. Of course, the one job that answers me on CL is a scam. It Figures. I don't like to post for work on there, since I only get scams. I wonder if anyone gets straight answers on that site.

Dang! I'm just in a rotten mood tonight. Well, off to make some dinner - don't have much. I would have had more, but when I left to go to Albertson's, I forgot the gift card. It Figures...

Well, I don't want to post too much that's negative or depressing, so I'm going to make some dinner and watch the end of House.

T.G.I.F. or so it appears...

Woke up late today, since I rebelled and stayed up until 3 am. But, for some reason, I feel energized. I have plenty of time to work on 5 articles, so I'm going to use today to get ahead on them, then - and only then - can I pick up more articles to write. Did my research on the 5 articles last night, so I'm a little bit ahead of the game. And after yesterday's bodily abuse - eating like a slob! - I want to be gentle with myself today, so I'll think of myself as a beautiful, fragile, God-created flower.

I received a nice compliment on one of my articles - the one I wrote about Bonsai. It was a fun and interesting article to write, plus learning something about a beautiful garden art.

Rule #1 - BE GENTLE WITH MYSELF ALWAYS.

Even though confusion about all that's broken in my life still reigns supreme, I started praying earnestly about it last night as I tried to fall asleep. Maybe that's the key - it's not so much definitive words I use, or specific needs I pray for, but the honesty from my heart and soul that I pour out to God. Ya think?

Not necessarily in the following order:

In the next week, I must study and know the information in the DMV booklet, plus raise the money before 6/4 to get a great haircut - at Faroh's - who is the only hairdresser to cut my hair exactly as I like it. I think this will go a long way towards helping me to feel better.

Next, I have to break through my social anxiety - even in small ways - to attend some kind of event. Tonight, will see how I feel about going to see Lisa Marie perform in Pasadena. Yeah, it's scary to go out at night...not because of danger, just my own feeling about leaving my apartment. VULNERABILITY!  Saturday, I want to go to the haiku workshop at Pacific Asia Museum, it's earlier than Catalina (plus I won't run into 2 people who dislike me - Lynne and Leah - just don't need that NEGATIVITY, even though I won't hear Jack), plus closer to transportation back home, so I can get to bed early and get up for church (I REALLY WANT TO GO!) on Sunday.

To be continued...  

Uncertain Day...

Up & down & back again & all over the place. Not sure where I am right now. Last post was a few days ago. Several hours before, I intended to start writing an article, since there are many good ones on helium today...that intention got tossed into the emotional trash bin. It's late now, but I will do my best to write one article tonight. I always wait until the last day to write the articles, then I can't get all of them done. If I messed around LESS, I could probably earn much more money. I also need to discipline myself to research and write the articles faster. Had an idea to research stock photo sites to see if that's something I could do. I want to get some opinions from Gregg and David. Don't know if that's feasible right now with my skill level, but I won't know until I try, huh?

Okay, found out what shows are on in the fall - well, it wasn't something I NEEDED to do, but I did it. Yeah, not a necessity.

I really want to become more consistent with this blog - it's helping somewhat. I'm actually doing on a more regular basis, maybe it's because it's only for me. Just the need to get my feelings down and hoping that one day I'll have some kind of breakthrough that will lead me to a different way than how I am now. Does that make sense? I'm not sure and not exactly sure I care if it does or not. It feels good just to be writing something emotionally related. Don't want to talk to anyone on the phone. Don't want to see anyone in person. Just needed a CHILL DAY.

Maybe going to see Lisa Marie perform her poetry tomorrow - IF my social anxiety doesn't grab hold of me. I feel like a hermit. Although I don't completely stay home, I just have problems getting myself to events. grrrrrr! Off to do some other things... yeah...writerly type things... 




Need a musical link for today, not sure why...but don't know how to do it.

Moving forward...

Laurel Burch, one of my favorite designers. Yeah... And what is on this card means so much to me. Have I found my colors yet? Do I know what the sound of my colors are? Am I just one color or a rainbow of several? Where are the sounds of my colors? In my soul, and if so where is my soul? In my heart? If my heart's been broken countlessly, can it ever be fixed again? And how do I fix it?

Is loneliness a fatal disease - an illness that affects me in my depths, so that I don't know how to climb my way out. Too many times I have so many questions and few answers. Yet, there are times I know the answers and don't know which questions to ask.

Today I took a brave step, calling Prof. Tutors again. The chances of my being hired again - well, I know probably not great, but I had to attempt it. I think I want to go back to work, but doing what? Confusion here is massive. Time is running out - that's scary. I don't want to be afraid any more in my life, since I've been there too much.

Options:
1 - Get a dumb job here to pay my bills, like the school loans, hate it, but be off unemployment.
2 - Figure out how to move to a less expensive place and have more money to pay bills, but how to do it.
3 - Make money with the crafts of my writing - poetry & articles - and photography, but I'm just picking up on that again, so it's not moving too fast. How much money can I hope to make with it?

So much to talk about with Dr. T. Can I squeeze it all into the allotted time? Make a list.

Positive thought for the day: The more I stay off facebook, except for brief visits, the better I feel. Working on myself and my life is never wasted time.

The goddess in me

This is for me and all the other women who have not, until now believed in themselves. For the ones who go out to eat, go to the movies, go shopping, and the countless other things - alone - that other women have guys or friends or families with them. 

I slept until noon and YES, it felt good. I ate what I wanted today, but no junk and YES, it felt good. I will watch the last (ever) show of Desperate Housewives and while it doesn't feel good, I know things move on. House ends soon, too. 

It's so odd, Aurora has so much and all I hear her do is complain. I wish I had half of what she does. I wonder what would happen if we switched lives. Then, I imagine she'd really have something to complain about. I know her life isn't perfect, but she has so much and is so grateful for so little. This too makes my heart ache...

I can flirt, but nothing every comes of it, so my cracked heart grows fissures that are deeper.(And who can I really tell that understands?) 

Today was Mothers' Day, but my Mom has been gone for 6 years. I'm not a mother, but I had the chance many years ago. God only knows what stopped me from having at least one child I was pregnant with. 

Awwww, stuff it Fudgie! Not complaining, just need to get this garbage out of my system. sigh...

Too much junk in tonight's post. I'm off... Sasha will sit next to me. At least I have her.

God, you know the pain in my heart from loneliness. I pray that you hear my prayers and put someone in my life who cares about me as much as I can care for him. :-\

Saturday, Saturday...

YES! I made an appointment with DMV to renew my CADL. Gonna do it.

ONGOING - The thought of moving out of LA keeps recycling in my mind. I must make a list of considerations - good, bad, indifferent, ugly...whatever... I love it here. It's been my home for over 30 years, but I feel so SQUASHED in by all the people, concrete, cars, pollution, lack of green & wildlife...everything. OKAY...it's not going to happen right away, but if the thought is not going away, then that must mean something? Yes? Possibly...

So many things I need to do today and it's already noon. If I think about everything, I'll get paralyzed with anxiety. Once again it's down to one task, one step, one thought at a time. I can make a list and then work on the tasks over next the week. They need to be done, since not doing them and the clutter is crowding my mind. Had a nice chat with Marvin last night and a good one with David this morning. Still dealing with some social anxiety; funny thing is it's even getting to doctors that's affected. Cancelled my appointment with Dr. McAlpin. Will reschedule next week. I also must watch how much I carry on my walks, since my back has been doing better. If I carry too much, then my back is in BAD pain - like I did when I went to Glendale on Thursday - o0o0o0oh, the Americana is NOT a relaxing walk!

Okay. (1) Today I can work on getting to the 99 cents store to buy food for the drive. (2) Then I can do some laundry and (3) work on a couple articles. I'm glad I'm back in the writing mode again. (4) Also, I have photos, but need other ones for the submissions I must write for Poetic Diversity (deadline 5/15) and work on some poems for the Spring Quarterly (deadline 5/26). (5) Get to BB&B to get the cash from not having the 20% coupons when I bought the towels - the color I now love! {Bring Nikon to take better photos of the RedLine!} (6) Last task on the list - GO TO BED EARLY SO I CAN GET UP FOR CHURCH ON SUNDAY.

ONGOING - One other task I have been working on and want to continue - as I have time - is to clean out my photo files. Then take some photos and work on them in Illustrator. And...as I have time, learn one new thing from the manual about working with my Nikon D70. I'm getting better, but I have so much more to learn.

Positive thought - I am alive today, no matter what that means in the scheme of the Universe. I CAN change my situation, but it must first start from within me and with my attitude. Yeah, "Attitude is the Real Disability."

I'm gonna get outta here!

And so, it's down to this...

Spirit bees watch over those who have gone to their final rest. Beautiful, no-threatening, never landing or resting. Are they watching over my Mom. This saying on one of the graves touched my heart, wringing the tears out of it. When will I stop missing her? And now, I have not heard from David for maybe about a month. My heart is breaking and I crave hearing my brother's voice so much. Why can't I let it go to have the Lord handle it? 

And...this Sunday is Mother's Day. I feel so wrung out with the sadness and tears. 

Well, today the $50 VISA Debit card came from ATT. It's for renewing my license - the first step toward my giving myself some relief from constantly being here in LA, even if it means just getting away for a day. I don't know what the future holds, whether I'm to stay in LA or move someplace else - like a smaller town, where I pay less rent and don't have to work. I don't want to work, but would love to concentrate on my writing, photography, and resting by traveling where I can take photos. Is this what God has in store for me or is that my thinking? 

Yes, and so it's down to this...my life is up to you Lord. 

Walking, walking...

Yesterday I went for a walk in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. You'd think this is a place that would make me feel sad, after all it's mostly filled with those who are dead. Yet, the walk and all the photos I took, plus being out in the sun and fresh air, did so much to lift my spirits.

Today, I'm having one of those days when I start doing one thing, then keep segueing from one thing to another, but not getting much done. My thought is right now, I need to go back to the photos I took and work on them, plus starting on the articles that have a Wednesday deadline. Now, I've gotten some information on adding photos to my articles. I'm also working my way back into the habit of writing articles, whereas for quite a long time I was unable to do that.

GROWTH: I will not let my physical challenges have an effect on my emotional state.

CHALLENGE: Find out how much it costs to renew my license for more than one year, put aside the money when I have it and MAKE and appointment.

TODAY'S THOUGHT: When I feel like I'm in an emotionally distressful place - crawl from the wreckage.

Not at the beginning or end...

Yesterday I did not exercise. I rested. But it was also a day for realization and reaffirmation. New thoughts, new understanding, new inspiration for the future. Not all days are spurts that forge ahead; some are growth that comes from quiet reflection.

The Most Difficult...

I just realized today that what I'm working to accomplish at this time is the most difficult challenge I believe I've ever faced. Everything in my mind wants to run the other way. I don't want to exercise, but must commit myself to doing it. I don't want to go to work again, but know I need to do it so I can pay my school loans. I don't want to do anything... Okay, part of the difficulty is the social anxiety. I'll be talking to both Yvonne and Dr. T later this month. I'll also be seeing Dr. L, plus having a mammo.

I'm alright to go to some places, but others not so. Yeah, this is the biggest challenge I've faced. Not even the food worries me. It's the process of getting my mind and body in a different place and it sucks - or at least that's what it feels like. Just even getting my butt off the computer chair is not easy, but I hurt so much at the end of the day when I don't. The one thing that does help is wanting to go to  church on Sundays. I got there last Sunday and I want to go again this coming Sunday...one Sunday at a time.  

This is my favorite goat, BillyJean

Sort of  early in the day...I exercised. Now it's off to write an article and get other paperwork completed. Yesterday, cleared out a lot of old paper I didn't need. Had FUN shredding! Yeah...the Great 'Chelle Studio Clean-Up is underway.

Self-Destruction...

I'm not sure why I do things like I did last night - I mean, 4 boxes of candy? None of them tasted good, honestly. My brain appears to be in my stomach and it just forgets that I'm worth more than the things I do to myself. I can be so creative, then forget to be creative with myself. WHY? What will it take before I finally come to the complete bottom where I start crawling my way back up through the wreckage of my life...right this minute I don't know. I can look in the mirror and tell myself I'm pretty and I love myself, but with the things I do, it's a lie.

Okay, I can start today even though I slept late. {Poor Sasha, it took her about 3 hours to get her human out of bed. Poor kitty had a tummy upset.} Yes, I can start with a few minutes of exercise after I get off the computer, then get dressed to go to Trader Joe's and Bed, Bath, & Beyond. BUT...before that I must find the EDD approval form, so I can send in my Unemployment deferrment for my school loan. Okay...feeling more than a bit of anxiety because I'm de-railing myself.

Feeling like this dead leaf and I want to fell like the green grass...yeah... Too much in my mind right now. Need to SIMPLIFY! SIMPLIFY!

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Okay, this new blogger thing is really ugly and boring! Thankfully,
my pages are still the same. Just feeling lazy today. I did get to church,
but now feel like just chilling out. So I will. Tomorrow I do some work.
I dislike this new look. Why change what worked before? DUH!

Baby steps...

Since I've posted in this very short start to a personal blog. Changes have occurred in the last year - I'm no longer working and haven't for over a year. Not sure how much I miss tutoring and keep thinking that I made a big mistake to retire from substitute teaching instead of letting go of tutoring. That's all in the past now, so there's not much use thinking back on it, wishing it were different. I've just let go of so much anger, especially towards myself, yet the issue of my weight still hounds me. When I heard Aurora talk about their vacation, of course, I found myself wanting to go on one also. That's what happens whenever someone talks about something they do, did, or possibly will do. No, it's not that something similar wasn't already in my mind. I just bury these things, because the fear of actually working to accomplish them keeps me in a comfortable rut. 


One goal I've wanted to accomplish this year to renew my driver's license. I've said I'd only renew my CA ID because I don't want to drive. But that's not the truth. I'm just afraid to drive. I'm also feeling trapped by my inability to drive from not having a license. So many goals in my head and it's like a whirlwind. If I don't take baby steps and work on one goal at a time, I'll become frustrated and stop working on them altogether, since that's my m.o. 


Sometimes I wonder about my worth. Isn't this holding me back also? So, I need to let my mind go free and start believing in myself. I've already done some work in that direction. Okay, so I'm having trouble with social anxiety. I'll work on it with Dr. Turk or Yvonne. One thing I can't do is give up on myself - that's just too easy.
Besides working on renewing my license, I want to commit myself to blogging on a regular basis. This practice is for me - no one else. Chart my progress and my steps backward. Allow myself to see my progress, as there will be progress. I have learned through the years to move forward, if not in my actions, then in my thinking. 


This blog is for myself...no one else. but if it helps anyone else, then fine...